


Scared to be Alone

by cherryeol04



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, ChanLix, Drabble, Gen, General, How Do I Tag, Panic Attacks, am i projecting?, but not really, poor felix, probably, sweet chan just trying to help
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-12
Updated: 2019-09-12
Packaged: 2020-10-17 04:23:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20614943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherryeol04/pseuds/cherryeol04
Summary: As the adrenaline slowly left his system, and he arrived back at the dorm, Felix was once left with an empty feeling inside. Cold and aching, it was feeling he was far too familiar with. It normally settled in the pit of his stomach, heavy. It would take hours if not days for the feeling to slowly crawl upwards, clutching tightly at his chest and squeezing until breathing became difficult. But it never stopped there





	Scared to be Alone

As the adrenaline slowly left his system, and he arrived back at the dorm, Felix was once left with an empty feeling inside. Cold and aching, it was feeling he was far too familiar with. It normally settled in the pit of his stomach, heavy. It would take hours if not days for the feeling to slowly crawl upwards, clutching tightly at his chest and squeezing until breathing became difficult. But it never stopped there. It would push forward until the horrible taste of bile was in the back of his throat and tears threatened to fall from his eyes. 

Anxiety? Panic? A little of both most likely, grasping at every part of Felix until he was consumed. And why? He couldn’t be entirely sure what caused it but he just knew it happened so often, usually when he was alone. It didn’t matter if he was surrounded by fans or his members, the feeling would come, trailing on the thoughts of loneliness - of the uncertainty of the future. 

Fame? Fortune? Was it worth this pain and misery he was suffering through? A future of loneliness, no one there to love him, hold him, understand him. The world was a cold place and he had nothing to keep him warm. 

“Felix?” The knock that came was almost muted over the sound of his racing heart thumping loudly in his chest and ears. He was trying so hard to calm himself, but nothing he did could push away the heavy feeling overcoming him. He felt like he was sinking into a cold, dark abyss - drowning on the very air he needed to live. 

“Felix.” His name echoed through the room as arms wrapped around his waist and he was pulled back against a strong chest. “Hey, Felix, look at me.”

It was a struggle to lift his head, to focus his vision on the person behind him, staring down at him. Worried eyes scanned over his face and Felix hated knowing he put Chan through this. He shouldn’t have to worry about him, Felix should be able to handle this on his own. But he couldn’t - at least not today. 

“‘M sorry.” It was a garbled mess of Korean and English that had Chan’s brain working to figure out what he had said, and when he did, his face softened. While the worry was still there, it was no longer etched on his face - simply reflecting in his eyes. 

“Shh, it’s okay.” Chan whispered and adjusted his grip on Felix, fingers flexing against his sides for a better grip as he hauled Felix up and into his lap - enveloping the other into a warm hug. “When did it start?” He asked. 

“After....show.” Choppy and broken, Felix barely got the words out before another wave of nausea washed over him, the knot in his stomach only seeming to grow bigger. 

“You should have said something Lix, before it got this bad.” Felix shrugged, eyes closing as he rested against Chan, trying to breathe through everything. “Hyunjin saw you before you disappeared into here. He was really worried.” Felix knew Chan wasn’t saying it to make him feel bad, but rather to convey how much they worried about him when he got like this. And Felix tried his hardest to never let anyone see him in this state. If it weren’t for the fact Chan had to catch his crumpling body backstage one time, he probably wouldn’t have known either. 

“‘M sorry.” He whispered again, this time the tears that had been pawing at the corner of his eyes finally fell. A steady stream of hot, salty liquid rolled down his cheeks as his body jerked and shuddered as he bit back the gross sobs that wanted to fall from his lips. 

“It’s okay, Lix. I know it’s not your fault.” The cycle was coming to an end, faster than normal and Felix was happy about that. He couldn’t control his emotions, and once he cried himself stupid he would pass out for the rest of the night and peace would return. A balance inside him would be restored until the cycle came. And no one knew when that would be. His last attack had been over five months ago. And before that, they happened ever two to three days. It was guessing game anymore, with no concrete cause, except for the fear that was nagging at him in the back of his mind. 

“D-Don’t leave me. P-please!” It was a desperate plead, voice trembling and cracking as he choked on his sobs. His fingers grabbed and clutched at any part of Chan he could reach in a valiant attempt to keep the other in place. Not that Chan needed to be held down to stay. But it was like a peace of mind to him. 

“Never. I’m never going to leave you Felix.” Chan whispered, hugging Felix closer to his body. “How many times have I told you that? From the very beginning, I’m never going to leave you. You won’t ever be alone.” The words struck so many chords within Felix that should have had him crying harder, yet they were said with such meaning and conviction that it only eased the turmoil raging inside him. It’s what he needed to hear. To know he won’t be alone. That there was someone who would be there to hold him, love him and understand him. Because Chan did all of that and more. He was more than anyone could ask in a friend and Felix was so thankful for him. 

Felix could feel his body starting to relax, coming out of that dark place. “Love you.” It was a soft mumble - barely a whisper as Felix’s body went limp in Chan’s arms, passed out from the physical and mental strain he had just gone through. 

“Love you too, Lix.” Chan whispered, pressing a gentle kiss to the top of his head. He sat there on the bed floor holding Felix for another five minutes before he finally decided to get up. Cradling Felix against him, he crossed the room and carefully laid the young boy in his bed, tucking him in before leaving the room quietly.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this was something. That moment you're going through some things and you just end up writing it out to help relieve the pressure. It's not good...but I hope you liked it none the less! Thanks for reading!


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